


Aunt Hever's Wedding.

by jhsdhalr



Series: Aunt Hever Celebrates. [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-29
Updated: 2012-01-29
Packaged: 2017-10-30 07:23:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/329244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a Sherlock version of Great Aunt Margery's Wedding in which Sherlock and John go to a wedding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Invite

**Author's Note:**

> Please note, English is not my first language. My stories are checked by a friend but like me she has small children and very occasionally tiny unimportant errors may escape.

John came home from a difficult day at the Surgery, dealing with numerous people coughing, sneezing and complaining, to find Sherlock lying in his pajamas and dressing gown on the sofa, having apparently not moved all day.

"Boring day then?" John muttered, pushing Sherlock's legs off the sofa and sitting down. 

"We've had an invitation to a wedding" said Sherlock, pulling a large gold colored envelope out from behind a cushion "my Aunt Hever is getting married again."

"Hever?" said John "you have an Aunt called Hever?"

"She was named after the Castle" Sherlock sighed "they're all named after Castles. My Mother's called Dover, but she prefers to be called Marigold."

"I'm not a bit surprised" said John "anyway, let's go, I love weddings."

"I have to go" Sherlock snarled "Mummy will insist and she wont speak to me for years if I don't go, and of course, you've been invited too."

"Good" said John, cheerfully "I love weddings. When is it?"

"Next weekend" said Sherlock "we'll be expected to stay overnight too."

"Great" said John "it'll be like a little holiday."

"You haven't met my family yet" said Sherlock "you've only met Mycroft so far. There are dozens of others, my mother was one of 12 children."

"All named after Castles" John remarked "should be interesting."

"It's her twelfth marriage I think" said Sherlock "I've tried to delete some of them but they wont go."

"Twelfth?" John gasped "what happened to all the other husbands then?"

"Well" said Sherlock slowly "the first one fell off the Empire State building and the second drowned while he was swimming the channel and the third----now, what happened to him? Oh I remember, he caught rabies from a bat and the fourth was struck by lightning. The fifth fell under a bus and the sixth caught some weird bug in the Amazon which made his nose drop off and the seventh drowned going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. That was very upsetting because Aunt Hever did it successfully first. Number eight died of Bird flu and number nine was bitten by a snake in Australia. Number ten was crushed to death in a riot and number eleven swallowed a spider."

"Surely that wouldn't kill him?" John gasped.

"It was poisonous" Sherlock explained.

"Good heavens" said John "it's wonder she keeps finding more husbands with that track record."

"She's rich" said Sherlock "she inherited Grandfather Mary's fortune."

"Your Grandfather was called Mary?" John laughed.

"So" snapped Sherlock "there's nothing wrong with being called Mary, it's a perfectly good name."

John managed to stop laughing."Do we need to get posh suits for this?" he asked, when he had got himself under control again.

"It's a themed wedding" said Sherlock, looking miserable "we all have to dress as animals. At her last wedding we had to dress as fish. I went as a salmon and Mycroft was a cod. The servants were all herrings. They kept tripping over their tails. It was a nightmare."

"Oh" John exclaimed, as soon as he had stopped laughing "I've always wanted to see your brother in an animal costume."

"Hmm" Sherlock muttered "that's all I need. Mycroft in an animal costume. I think I'll go and slit my throat."

"Wait till after the wedding" said John "I really want to see you dressed as an animal first."


	2. The Wedding Ceremony and Reception.

The wedding was held in the Great Hall of Hope Manor, which evidently Sherlock's Aunt Hever had bought specially because it had 20 bedrooms and a ballroom and her previous home only had 12 bedrooms and didn't have a ballroom at all.

John and Sherlock arrived at Hope Manor around 2.30 in the afternoon and were shown to their room by a very tall man dressed as a rat. All the servants were dressed as rats. It made things very confusing as they all looked somewhat alike.

Since the wedding was at 3, they just had time to take a shower and change into their costumes before going down to the Great Hall which was already rapidly filling with numerous animals of all sizes and colors. As they entered the Hall a short fat rat asked them whether they were bride or groom. Sherlock said "bride" and they were ushered into their seats.

The seats were hard and John was hot and uncomfortable in his mouse costume. He also had trouble with his tail and didn't know quite what to do with it when he sat down, so he carefully hooked it over his arm. Sherlock looked surprisingly elegant dressed as a black cat, but also had a problem with his tail which was very long and bushy. Just in front of them sat a tall person dressed as a pink rabbit who seemed to be having trouble with his ears, one of which kept folding over and drooping onto his face. After a moment the rabbit turned to face them and proved, to John's vast amusement, to be Mycroft Holmes himself.

"Very nice" Mycroft said, appraising their costumes "Mummy will be here in a moment. She's a West highland Terrier."

"Great" muttered John faintly, as the sight of Mycroft dressed as a pink rabbit seemed to have temporarily rendered Sherlock dumb.

When the Bride entered, some five minutes later, she proved to be dressed as a black Poodle. She had a tartan collar and was wearing, for some unaccountable reason, a Top hat. The Groom was dressed as a Golden retriever and also had a tartan collar. He wasn't wearing a hat though. The ceremony was conducted in tandem by two men in an antelope costume. It was quite disturbing when the one at the back suddenly stuck his head out between the two parts of the costume and continued presiding over the last part of the ceremony. 

There was some singing accompanied by a string quartet who were dressed as hedgehogs. They all sang "Being alive" which was terrible and totally tuneless and at the end they sang "Rule Britannia". John had no idea why. After that they all went into the Ballroom for the Buffet and speeches. Much to John's relief the food looked quite edible and the wine was delicious, but he was a bit worried about the large number of what looked like Christmas crackers hanging precariously from the Ballroom ceiling.

It was a strange experience watching a large number of animals eating chicken legs and salad and prawns and things. John watched Sherlock chatting to a tiger, who turned about to be one of his cousins, while eating a plate of chicken wings, and started to wonder if the whole thing was a dream.

The Speeches were long and boring and were made more unbearable by the fact that Aunt Hever and her new husband, whose name was Hamilton, insisted on singing a selection of songs from "The Sound of Music". Watching two dogs singing "The Hills are alive" was not pleasant. Things deteriorated even further when a large number of women dressed as a variety of animals got together and sang "I feel pretty" followed by a tap dance. These people proved to be Sherlock's Mother and some of her numerous siblings. Things improved slightly when two Basset Hounds did a juggling act and one of them fell off the stage.

This was followed by the cake ceremony. The cake was wheeled in on a trolley and Aunt Hever and Hamilton cut it together, accompanied by three children dressed as spiders singing something no-one recognized. Everyone applauded loudly as they finished because it was such a relief when it ended.

After that the string Quartet were replaced by a band of Blue Tits, which irritated Sherlock because, he said, Blue Tits weren't animals, and the dancing started.


	3. The Charleston is good for you.

John found the dancing extremely tiring. It wasn't that he disliked dancing as such, it was just that he wasn't used to dancing dressed as a mouse, and, as before, his tail was a problem. People kept treading on it for a start. Sherlock turned out to be an excellent dancer and didn't seem to have any bother with his own tail. John retired to one of the chairs which were against the wall and was just about to sit down when a caterpillar shouted "can't you read?" He looked up, and there, on the wall, above the chairs was a notice which read "over 40 only," so he sat on the floor. After a few moments he was joined by Sherlock, who appeared to have lost some of his whiskers. 

"What happened to your whiskers?" John asked him.

"Aunt Edinburgh pulled them out" Sherlock snapped "it was painful too."

"I told you you were using too much glue" said John "when does this end? I'm exhausted."

"We haven't got the balls yet" said Sherlock.

"Balls?" John queried. 

"They're in the crackers" Sherlock explained "later the rats will bring us some cricket bats and they'll lower the crackers and we just have to hit them until the balls fall out. After that there's just the fire jumping and we can go to bed."

"Fire jumping?" John gasped.

Sherlock looked irritated. "You know what fire jumping is, John" he moaned "you light fires and everyone jumps over them."

"Isn't that a bit dangerous?" John asked.

"The rats will all have fire extinguishers" said Sherlock.

At that moment Mycroft came over to them, with both ears flopping over his face. He'd also lost his teeth at some point. "Sherlock" he said "it's time for the Charleston, come on."

"Charleston?"said John.

Sherlock stood up, wrapping his tail around one wrist with great dexterity. "Doesn't your family do the Charleston at weddings?" he asked "it's good for you. Great exercise."

"Oh of course" said John, thinking, I've fallen down the rabbit hole, I've fallen down the rabbit hole, except this rabbit is pink. He watched as around 30 people gathered on the floor, including both Sherlock and Mycroft. The Blue Tits started a lively Charleston and everyone danced. It was actually quite impressive until a Jack Russell and a Cow started to fight when the Jack Russell accused the Cow of getting in his way and dancing on his left foot.

After only a moment at least 75% of the people in the Ballroom were fighting which John quite enjoyed until a lamb threw a piece of cheesecake at him. He jumped to his feet and caught hold of the lamb and dunked his face in a bowl of tropical fruit salad. The lamb fought his way free and grabbed John's tail and pulled it which made him really seriously angry. They fell to the floor kicking and biting each other. Things were just developing into an almighty free for all and Sherlock had just got hold of the neck of his cousin Arnica, whom he had always loathed, when a large rat got up on the stage, grabbed a microphone and shouted "Now for the CRACKERS, grab a bat and let's get those balls."


	4. Crackers and Balls.

Immediately, to John's surprise, everyone stopped fighting and made a rush for the far end of the Ballroom where there was a large table covered in Cricket Bats. John and Sherlock joined the throng and manged to grab a bat each. Sherlock stood swinging his rather menacingly. John was impressed. The last wedding he had attended had been a boring, totally mundane affair compared to this, he thought. 

"I'm going to get a whole pile of balls and stuff them down Arnica's throat until he chokes" Sherlock snarled, waving his bat dramatically. 

The rats pressed a switch on the wall by the main Ballroom entrance doors and slowly the crackers began to descend. As soon as they were within reach the taller animals started swinging their bats at them. John got more and more excited watching Sherlock swinging his bat. He was, in fact, so excited, that when a cracker got low enough for him to reach he didn't even attempt to hit it but just stood watching Sherlock. 

The crackers started to fall apart and numerous small attractively wrapped balls fell out onto the floor. The smallest animals, mostly children, ran about picking them up and throwing them at each other. John was so excited by it all he had to sit down on the floor to recover. He was sitting panting some moments later when Sherlock sat down beside him and, with great ceremony, dropped eight balls between his legs.

"For you, my love" Sherlock intoned, and leaned over and kissed John firmly on the lips. He smelled very strongly of the wine. 

"Fantastic" John said, and started to unwrap a ball. 

"No" Sherlock told him immediately "they're for the fire. You throw them in-----" he broke off giggling in a most un Sherlockian way.

"What happens then" asked John.

"They explode" Sherlock told him.

"Isn't that a bit dangerous?" John continued.

"Of course" said Sherlock "that's the whole point."

"Don't people sometimes get injured?" John asked.

"Sometimes" Sherlock said slowly "I remember Uncle Tower fell in a fire he was jumping once and Aunt Blackness lost an eye when she was hit by a ball. She used to take out her artificial one and shout eye eye at parties and poke it around doors."

"What happened to him?" John asked.

"Who?" asked Sherlock, looking blank.

"Your Uncle Tower" John told him.

"Oh" Sherlock replied "he was burned to death. He smelled revolting."

"Oh dear" John sighed "that must have been upsetting."

"It was" said Sherlock "they had to put out the fire."

"Well" said John "we'd both better be very careful." 

"I fell in the fire once" Sherlock told him "I was dressed as a tyrannosaurus rex. I wasn't even singed." He beamed a wide happy smile at John. "I'm having a great time" he said "I'd forgotten how much fun weddings could be. I must have deleted that information sometime."

"You've drunk too much wine" John pointed out.

"Yes" Sherlock agreed cheerfully "I'd be going insane by now otherwise."


	5. Jumping the fires.

Once it grew dark everyone went outside for the fire jumping. All over the front lawns, which were extensive, small bonfires were glowing in the blackness. Aunt Hever and Hamilton started the jumping, which, Sherlock informed John, was the traditional way of doing it. Much to John's relief they chose the smallest fire and both of them jumped it successfully. After that it was a free for all as numerous animals attempted to jump numerous fires. A number of them caught fire but the rats were very efficient with the fire extinguishers and John didn't see anyone get hurt.

Finally a West highland Terrier came over to them and told them they had better stop standing around and start jumping. "Yes, Mummy" Sherlock said immediately and promptly ran at the largest fire and jumped at it, catching his long fluffy tail alight, which he had neglected to hold as he jumped. A rat ran up and put the flames out as John rushed to see if Sherlock was alright. 

"I've burnt my tail" Sherlock whined, holding the singed end, looking almost tearful.

"MYCROFT" shouted the Westie "come over here and jump this minute. Your brother's already done it."

Mycroft ran at the fire and spectacularly jumped right over it, eliciting cheers from everyone nearby. He bowed, looking, despite the drooping ears and food stains on his outfit, incredibly smug.

"It's not fair" Sherlock complained "he doesn't have a long tail."

"I bet I can do it" John announced.

"Have you ever done any fire jumping before?" Mycroft asked.

"Of course I haven't" said John "where I come from we don't do fire jumping."

"How odd" said the Westie "well, now's your chance to try it. I can't do it any more because of my hips."

John took a long run at the largest fire and cleared it with ease. He then ran about jumping most of the other fires one after the other. It was great fun. He completely forgot about his psychosomatic leg pains as he often did when he was with Sherlock.

"He's showing off now" remarked Mycroft as John ran past them and jumped the largest fire a second time.

"Yes" Sherlock agreed, looking pleased "great, isn't he?"

John finally returned to them, looking happy and sweaty and still holding his tail. "I was careful with my tail" he said "I didn't even singe the end."

"Have you got your balls?" Sherlock asked him "only they'll probably start to throw them on the fires soon."

"I've got them in my pocket" John told him.

"Mice" said Mycroft seriously "shouldn't have pockets." 

"This mouse has two pockets" said John "The costume came with them so when Sherlock gave me some of his balls, I just stuffed them in the pockets." He looked around. "What happened to the Bride and Groom?" he asked "I haven't seen them for ages."

"They left for their honey moon while you were jumping" said Sherlock.

"Where are they going?" asked John, as the rats spread out so each fire was being guarded by at least 2 rats.

"They're going to canoe down the Limpopo River" said Mycroft.

"I hope he survives" said John, and laughed.

"They'll have guides" Mycroft snapped "oh here we go now, ball throwing time."

The lead rat, who was tall and fat, shouted loudly, at that very moment, "THROW YOUR BALLS" and everyone rushed to throw their balls into the fires, including Sherlock, John and Mycroft. For a few moments nothing happened. Everyone stood and waited for whatever was going to happen next.

There was suddenly a loud whistling noise and the balls exploded inside the fires, sending flames and wood high into the night sky accompanied by loud bangs. Everyone cheered and when one of the rats fell in a fire and was shot 50 feet into the air coming to rest, somewhat singed, on the grass some distance away, clutching his left leg and groaning loudly, everyone cheered even more.

"Oh damn" said The West Highland Terrier in irritation "servants are so hard to find nowadays."

"Never mind, Mummy" said Sherlock "perhaps he can still work with a limp."

They all watched as a second rat was propelled sky high, coming to rest on top of a third rat standing nearby. 

"There go two more" said Mycroft.

"It's exiting though" said John "I never thought I'd ever see flying rats or jump fires."

Sherlock leaned toward him, and winked. "Stick with me, baby" he said "and I'll show you better things than that."

"I can't wait" said John, and they held paws. It was very romantic. They stood for some time watching rats getting singed. Then they went to bed wearing their costumes. 

"I've always loved cats" said John, as they cuddled together, sweat running in all directions.

"I'm fond of mice too" said Sherlock "only would you please move your tail."

John's only answer was a loud snore so Sherlock moved the tail himself. "So this is what it's like to be in a relationship" he said aloud to himself "you have to move their tails because they can't be bothered." He fell asleep a moment later and dreamed he was jumping fires and John was jumping with him. "Lovely" he thought in his sleep "I must get John dressed as a mouse more often and chase him a bit and catch him and---and----"

The room was filled with snoring and outside the fires slowly burned out. It was a great day.

 

THE END.


End file.
